tick tock tick tock tick

Relentless. That's what time is. Ever pressing forward; never going back. Showing no mercy or reprieve. Even when it seems life has stopped, time suspended, we look out the window and realize the rest of the world goes on. There's no collective pause in deference to our own sleep-like state. Time is nothing if not persistent. Yet, to us, it may seem like chaos is all that exists. Our own internal clock may halt from fear, pain, or shock. We will even be angry that the world continues to progress. Yet the hands of the clock tick on, reminding us some things don't change. Nothing will bring the world into our control. And at some point, as time moves on, we return to the world of the waking. Slowly the fog inside our head clears, and we find comfort in the fact that time did go on. No matter what our lives consist of, we can't stop time. Time, the very thing that in the end, allowed us to heal.

Relatively speaking...

Relationship. The center of all. The relationship between any two people, things, places, is how we find our own relative place.* It's how we form opinions. How we find purpose. Relationships are the filter through which the world trickles into understanding. A lack of relationship can bring chaos and confusion. Here are a few examples to start the thought process.

Our relationship with Christ directs how we live, how we view the world. Our actions are changed through the closeness of this relationship. It also gives us meaning, and affects our relationship with others.

Our relationship with family forms a framework on which other relationships are built. This can be an advantage or a crippling disability, causing consequent relationships to be relatively healthy or chronicly afflicted.

Time is relative--sometimes speeding, othertimes lazily loitering.

Relationship is the medium for comparison. It is the basis for conflict, motivation, pride, denial, self-esteem, age, bias, and change. It determines what we view as large or small, important or trivial, having depth or power. Relationships are the most influential force in our lives. Cultivate relationships with results in mind. Be a conductor of hope, joy, peace, healing, prudence, favor, and passion. A bringer of blessing, empathy, fidelity, patience, selflessness, and purpose. Be aware and be what you want to see in the world.

*Note: The absence of relationship is still relationship, just in negative form (not negative as bad, but think math...I hate math).

wide spectrum world

Do you ever have the same discussions over and over again with yourself? I know I do. I have such persuasive arguments. Such appealing propositions and perspectives. I can repeat the same subject matter in personal dialogue and have it end differently each time. I can be a great debater, especially with myself. And yet, so often, I am left so far from an absolute conclusion.

I suppose this stems from my wide spectrum world. While I do believe some choices are black and white, I believe the majority are colored. Not so easily distinguished into sides. Each with its own unique degree of variation, its own saturation, intensity, and value. Much like people.

We can only see what people allow to be reflected. In some cases this makes our decisions more complicated, but even knowing what people are reflecting shows us a glimpse of their value system. And how we categorize every color shows us our own depth and position. From there we decide which direction to move in.

This is usually where our internal conversation begins again. Hopefully they are challenging and productive. Even perhaps allowing us to be more open to change when no fixed resolution is found, allowing the deliberation to continue indefinitely.

this watery blue funk

Infinitely. That's the answer to the question. It may not seem possible, but time has proven it over and over. It's unclear as to how the phenomena works. After all, there can only be so many pieces. There can only be so much left. And yet, there's no sign of finality. Just when things appear to be at the end, on the precipice of excruciating, to the point of nothing worse, it happens. Just like that. No matter if it's expected or ignored. No matter if it's a new brand of pain or simply the reusable form that's known. Even when prepared, the actual shattering is still a shock. It's impossible to find an equilibrium, between this kind of hope and anguish, that is capable of building a wall thick enough to protect. There is no escape. Just Sadness. Fear. Frustration. Love. Hurt. And Hope. Yes, even still hope. Hanging onto even the smallest glimmer of a dream. Besides, how many times can one heart break?

I'll Listen

Okay, so I think I was really blessed to be a younger sister. I've never felt the need to learn from experience. I always had someone older to learn from, if not my brother then at least of one his friends. I never appreciated this as a child, or even a teenager, but I now know the value of it as an adult. Not that I don't make countless mistakes of my own, but I am perfectly willing to not make the same mistakes as others. I don't always succeed, but I think in this regard, life is less of a challenge for me.

Also as a younger child I learned to observe. While the older kids would go off and play together, I would choose to sit and listen to the adults. It's amazing what we can learn if we really listen and hear what people are saying--and what they're not. This is easy to do when you're an objective viewer, less so when you're an emotionally involved participant. While I may know the value of listening from childhood, I have come to understand the price of not listening as an adult. It would be wonderful if knowledge always translated into behavior, wisdom into actions, and experience into motivation.

Unfortunately, I'm all too human, with my own personal mix of flaws. I will no doubt let you down, hurt your feelings, trample your pride, and offend your sensibilities. I may appear intimidating or fragile, seem too emotional or void of any emotion at all. I might even break your trust. But it won't be intentional. I may not even know I've done it. I really do desire to put into practice the knowledge, wisdom, and experience I've gleaned from so many of you.

So keep experiencing life. Make mistakes. Have success. But don't forget to tell me about it. I'll listen.

Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry...

Life so often is steered by our knowing when to be patient and when to act. And while I feel I have learned this particular lesson repeatedly--both through being patient and through blind interference, I still haven't found a balanced combination. Each new situation demands a new level of commitment. Patience has never come easily to me. God has allowed for lots of patience-training over the last few years. Even though things happen that are difficult and painful, too hard to comprehend, I know and believe that God loves me and desires for me to give him my pain and confusion and rest in His arms. I know I'm supposed to hand my fears over to Him, and actively allow the future to unfold. Only then will I see all the beauty that comes from sorrow.

Yet here I am again, having to remind myself to not worry about anything, but to give thanks instead. So often I find myself close to tears, but then I remember that God has never failed me. And He never will. Even when life doesn't turn out how I expect or hope, I discover His plans are always more fulfilling anyway. Here I am again, listening. Waiting. Hoping. Not sitting idly by, but thoughtfully acting, not on impulse but on reflection. Trusting that, in time, I will see the blessings of this particular pain. And choosing to use this as a means for growth and learning. Praying that I will become more compassionate and patient, so that God can use me. No matter how this turns out. No matter what my future holds. I am blessed, the cup of my heart overflows with love and faithfullness for a God that is love and continues to be faithful to me.

May we all have the perseverance and courage to face whatever tomorrow holds. May our joy increase and run over.

Choose Wisely

Perhaps all battles truly take place internally. For surely, that is where everything is determined. Now, I'm certainly not saying that our actions have little importance. To the contrary--they play a very important role. Our external encounters reveal the outcomes of our inner conquests or coups, and often bring new conflicts from which our struggles derive. Still, all actions are intrinsic, stemming from a private decision or code (which itself arises from previous resolutions). Therefore, what we internalize, take in, and focus on truly does matter. Our thoughts matter. All of our largest (or smallest) and most important battles are with ourselves. We really are our worst enemy or greatest ally. The whole of who we are and how we live filters down to one thing: choices. Ours. So don't make excuses. Don't blame your attitude, actions, or animalistic nature on anything so abstract as this world or as concrete as another person. You decide who you are. Even in passing fault, you're still responsible for making that choice. And what a small horrid unhappy life you must live, letting others control you in such a way. Relinquishing so much power over to another human being. Allowing yourself to simply react instead of respond. What a lazy selfish way to live. You know the damage you create in the wake of your wrath or indifference, and yet you choose. Yes, you choose to live in such a manner. You have given up the internal debate and handed yourself over to an indulgent life. We can all see the private determinations of your heart through your ever-increasing reckless dealings. Yet the choice is yours to make. Choose wisely.

sometimes-illusions

I'm not paranoid, well, not mostly. I'm skeptical. And rightly so. This is an unpredictable world. People can't simply be trusted. Trust should be earned. Naivety and ignorance belong to those who freely hand out trust. Very few people are who they say they are, or who they seem to be. This is understandable--after all, very few people understand themselves well enough to know who they are. Even those of us who like to believe we are self-aware would be delusional if we presumed our perspectives whole and accurate. The most we can hope for is to comprehend some of our strengths and weaknesses, and perceive where our efforts for improvement will be most effective. Even then we conclude that we will, in all probability, not achieve our goal satisfactorily and will most likely affect other areas of ours or other peoples lives in ways we can't predict or prevent. But we do consider. And hopefully in these mental pauses we also recognize these same traits in the world around us. Hopefully we cautiously and confidently face the known and the unknown, taking realistic steps outward from ourselves, allowing our knowledge to deepen our appreciation for the complexities of life while still permitting and enabling ourselves to participate and engage with these sometimes-illusions surrounding us. This is yet another delicate balance, and I, for one, have never had much success with balance.

Output for Today

I have not been good about posting lately...but I won't apologize because it probably won't change.  After all, this is here for outlet, and while it is wonderful to be able to pass information and inspiration on, the primary purpose of my blogging is for me to output.  So here I am again, talking to you and to myself through my fingers and this crazy technological world.  A world where anything seems possible.  Purhaps where anything is possible.  It makes me hopeful and diligent.  I am full of ideas, large round ideas, ideas that cannot be placed in a jar, ideas which I long to see produced.  Could it be possible?  Is this world prepared and able to see them accomplished?  Do I have the courage to risk so much?  To find a way?  Would I be ready if I could?  Ah, there are no simple answers or solutions.  Just me.  Here.  Like this.  With my large round ideas.  

Questions

How can writing can be so simple at times, and other times it is too complex for me to unwind at any reasonable pace?

After all, how do you capture all the colors of the wildflowers in black ink? How do you display all the wistful strains of the violin playing inside your mind? How do you demonstrate the enchantment of a sunbeam dancing across the floor? What brings a reader to fully grasp the vast emotions contained in a single line of poetry? What makes it possible to pin your heart to a page and still remain whole?

Why is it so difficult to bring ideas, emotions, images from the mind to the fingertip, without distorting their original intent? Where is the part of ourselves that knows perfectly how to express what we feel, see, hear, smell, and desire to say? Who can begin to unravel the mass of webs that I myself cannot begin to fully comprehend or produce?

When will I be able to free this wild creation of my imagination?

what a weekend

So Reid and I had an awesome time over the weekend! On Saturday we borrowed a car and went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. While the place certainly doesn't meet up to Disney standards, we still had a lot of fun! There's a great mix of wildlife exhibits, fair-type rides, and crazy coasters. We got to see a dolphin show, tiger show, killer whale show, ride rides, eat yummy fair foods, listen to great tunes, and spend the whole day in the sun. We bought season passes for only five dollars more than the entry price--which is great considering we didn't even get to half of the stuff in the park.
And on Sunday we met up in SF with some of Reid's friends from Brown. We went to Golden Gate Park. It's a beautiful huge park (larger than Central Park in NY). We enjoyed the sunshine, company, and fun.
It's another beautiful day here, in the nineties today. I've had a productive last few weeks, and am looking forward to accomplishing much more over the next few. Hopefully they'll be just as bright and exciting.

A Fantastic Discovery

Our pastor and his wife are wonderfully generous people. They let us borrow their car this weekend, which made it possible for us to do some necessary shopping out of walking distance, and even meet up with Reid's cousin for a few hours during her layover at the airport. Plus having a vehicle helped us make a fantastic discovery.

Now, anyone who knows me well knows I'm a bit Disney-crazy. There isn't a Disney store I can walk to, or take the train to, but there is one at a mall a couple cities north of us. So Reid and I drove to the mall Saturday evening. The place didn't look like much from the outside, but it was great on the inside. There were all the usual mall shops, along with stores like Sanrio and Charlotte Russe. But as we approached one of the ends, there perfection appeared.

Cinnabon!!! Now I love Cinnabon cinnamon rolls possibly more than any other sweet treat. But the eateries are far and between. I even try to plan my flights so I can land in an airport with one. Yummy. Totally scrumptious.

When I spotted the Cinnabon, my mouth dropped open and I froze. Reid followed my gaze and broke into a grin. Having already visited the Disney Store and Sanrio, and having passed Charlotte Russe, he couldn't imagine what I would respond to in such a way. We, of course, went and bought a cinnabon to share. Then I had to call my parents to let them know of the treasure we had found not far from home. What a fantastic discovery!

My Poor Shoes

Okay, so if you follow me on Twitter or keep up with FB, you'll already know about my poor shoes. But here is the story.

So this morning I started a roast in the slow cooker. I added the carrots, potatoes, roast, extras, and then went to get my onion out of the fridge--only to realize we didn't have any onions. So I slipped on my cute leather sandal flats and started the walk to the grocery store. It's over a mile away, but that's not far. I knew it was beautiful outside, but I didn't stop to think about the ramifications. Half way there my feet were getting a little sweaty, and by the time I reached Safeway the back of my heals hurt with blisters. But I still had other stops to make, so I put it from my mind.

Yet, after having made several stops, and gone on to Target (at least another mile), my feet were really sore. So I thought I'd buy some band-aides to just use as a cushion and barrier for the walk home. After I checked out, I sat at one of the tables in the entrance (we have a cafe and Starbucks there), and took off one sandal. My entire heal was covered in blood, as well as my shoes and jeans.

So I went into the women's bathroom (of course there were no paper towels, only hand dryers), used some damp toilet paper (did not work well at all), and tried to clean my heals. Then I put on band-aides and headed home (another mile). By the time I was home, there was blood everywhere again.

But the worst part is...I don't think I can save the shoes.

Four of Me

There's not just one of me. There are at least four...perhaps more...You know what I mean. There is the Me that always exists, the essence of who I am. This Me listens well, is organized, understands people, is compassionate, purposeful.

But then there is the more primitive Me--the one that appears with a threat. This second Me is the one made from survival. The one that always knows what to do...even if the more essentially Me does not. It runs more on instinct than rational thought. It is controlled and yet perhaps a bit unpredictable.

But both of these Me's are fairly reserved. Protective barriers in place about them. There is another, a less concerned Me--one that seems to experience joy without the accompanying fear or pain. This Me can be a little wild, free from the caution that retains the previous two. This is the Me that appears with only those closest friends. The Me that laughs openly, talks enthusiastically, smiles often, skips, holds hands, dances in the rain.

But they are also all Me. Just Me. Even if I wanted to become only one of them--I couldn't. And yet...maybe, just maybe they could be molded into one. But would I even want to if I could? I'm not sure. They each serve me well enough. Even those pieces I do not enjoy exist for a reason. Even when they fight and pull me apart internally, I still need each of them.

And what would the fourth Me do without the others? This Me is the one capable of weeping, the one who aches with every heart break, the one afraid to be alone. While it is the least seen of Me, and reasonably the most fragile, it's can also be the driving force of the group. This Me knows what has been, knows what can be, and pushes, yearns for a brighter future. The Me that acknowledges pain is also the Me truly able to value beauty, love.

Yes, there's not just one of me. There are at least four...perhaps more...

For You

Each experience adds another element to the complexity and vastness that is life. Each moment brings a feeling, a thought, a development. Every breath building on the one before. Some portions of our selves so far beneath the current blocks of life that they are barely known even to ourselves. And yet, the results are visible. Our actions, our attitudes reflecting our inner web. Each part of us playing a role in the direction and choices we make...influencing our reactions and future steps--whether or not we see it. Whether we run from those deepest parts of our being or embrace them, we are still responding to them.

Few are the people who really know all the pieces of our hearts--who see the lines written and know what's in between.

Life can be so convoluted. Our paths rambling and tangled. It is relief to find a friend who can help you discover freedom with yourself. Sometimes we need reassurance--a place to relish reprieve and comfort. Where release is welcome. Such friends are the grass to our sky. They are the safe place to rest when the fragile and yet overwhelmingly intricate fragments of our existence close in. They are God's arms in our world.

You have been this for me. Let me be this for you.

A Rant...

Anyone who knows me knows I live in an organized chaos. While I prefer for everything to have its place and be in it, I'm also much too random to always prescribe to my sensibilities. I suppose I am a complex mess of a person. Sometimes too organized for my own good, other times so random as to frustrate myself.

I'm a special brand of freak...sometimes even annoying myself with my innate habits. To make things worse, I'm a terrible multi-tasker, taking on many projects at once. I won't just be doing, say...three things at once, but I'll also be thinking about five other situations.

So I end up filling my mind to overflowing. Yet, I stuff more information in...but in the process I'm inadvertently pushing previous items out of my mind. So, I find I must put things in a specific place in order to remember them, keep them in tact, and be able to find them again later with little thought or time.

Time is, of course, of big concern. With all of the projects I'm attacking, I have to keep track of my highly valuable time. When I choose to be inefficient with my time, I know that I'm choosing the relaxation over my projects. And to only make things worse, I'm highly visual...so I need everything involved with a project to be in plain sight. Some thoughts won't even fully form for me without some kind of visual stimulus.

Seriously, I'm a menace to myself. And to others. I often need a sound board in order to truly know my own opinion or in order to complete a train of thought. Even as I write this, I say the phrases out-loud. Honestly, I don't know how Reid puts up with me. I'm specific with myself to a flaw. Fortunately, I've mostly outgrown the need for others to conform to my world. This world created within the limits of my mind, but ever expounding to cover the unconquered world around me.

and his name shall be envy...

The green devil pokes up his head and eyes her. He senses her weaknesses, feels her vulnerability. He ever-so-carefully probes her open wounds, patiently waiting for a potent moment to pounce.

She never sees him coming. Overly confident that time will soothe the pain and heal the lacerations, she pushes the wounds from her mind. After all, she reminds herself, survival demands forward motion, progress, development...moving on.

But as she heads forward, she can't help but notice the differences between her and all those around. Human nature takes its hold and the similarities vanish from her mind. Only the widening gulf of disparity and permeating loss bind her focus.

Then the green devil strikes. He aims for her heart--the strongest and yet most exposed region of her being. For if he captures that which sustains life, then he controls her.

my dream

Time shifts like the wind, sometimes pausing to barely a breeze, other times rushing by, dragging the world along behind it. It seems like life has been more of the latter lately. We've now been in CA for about four months. Christmas has come and gone. A new years begun.
The weather teases us here, taunting us with dreams of Spring. The sun glows with the promise of longer, brighter days. Some of the plants even have tips of newness growing with green.
And I find myself longing for the future. There is so much promise in the wind. We've made it to the new world, now we've only to discover how to flourish in it.